


Never, Ever Felt So Much

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, F/M, Hurt, Masturbation, New Earth, Romance, Sexual Content, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:02:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26871841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Chakotay and Kathryn Janeway grapple with feelings for each other on New Earth. Chakotay takes a walk and spends time alone at a pond.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	Never, Ever Felt So Much

**Author's Note:**

> This piece takes place during the episode "Resolutions," shortly after the bathtub scene and when Chakotay tries to convince Kathryn to accept their situation. Inspired by Van Halen's "Why Can't This Be Love." RIP Eddie Van Halen. Also inspired by a scene in Courtney Milan’s “Unclaimed.”

"Oh here it comes  
That funny feeling again winding me up inside  
Every time we touch  
Hey I don't know  
Oh, tell me where to begin cause I never ever  
Felt so much."

Van Halen, “Why Can’t This Be Love?”

Chakotay peeked at Kathryn from across the table. She sat, peering at her research with an intensity he knew would not soon go away. She was so obsessed with finding a cure that she couldn’t see what was right in front of her face. She couldn’t see how he felt about her.

“Or maybe she doesn’t want to see.”

Chakotay pushed the thought away, feeling ridiculous. Every time she rejected settling down here, it felt like she was rejecting HIM. He felt selfish for thinking this. Two years ago she was dealt a crushing blow when her ship was stranded in the Delta Quadrant. In the blink of an eye she lost contact with friends, family, and her fiance. It had been devastating, and all that kept her going was her dream of getting home. Now she’d been dealt another cruel blow, losing her ship, her crew, and the possibility of ever returning to Earth. The dream that had kept her going was gone, so it was understandable that she didn’t want to accept their situation. She needed his support right now, not his selfishness. Starting a relationship with him was probably the last thing on her mind. She probably didn’t even want a relationship with him. And yet…

He’d seen the way her face lit up when he walked into the room. He’d observed the way she looked at him, especially when she thought he wasn’t looking. He’d noticed how close she stood to him and how her affectionate touches lasted a little longer than they would with a friend. He was sure he hadn’t imagined it, so her disinterest saddened him and confused him. They had what it took to be a couple. Why didn’t she want this to be love? 

He needed to get out of there before he blurted out his feelings to her.

“You know,” Chakotay said, standing and pushing the chair back. “It’s a beautiful night, I think I am going to take a walk.”

Kathryn looked up from her research. “Now? Isn’t it a little late for that?”

“I’ll be fine,” he reassured her, “I won’t go far, and I’ll take my communicator and a palm beacon with me.”

Kathryn regarded him with concern. “Are you OK, Chakotay?” she asked, a hint of worry in her voice.

“I’m fine,” he repeated, “I’d just like to get some air. Leave the light on for me?”

“OK,” she said in a small voice. Maybe it was his imagination, but she seemed sad. Now he felt even more confused.

“If I run into the primate, I promise to invite him over,” he joked, which made her smile.

“You’d better,” she teased, “have a good walk, Chakotay.”

“See you soon, Kathryn,” he said warmly, then headed out into the night.

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After Chakotay left, Kathryn’s face fell and she put her head in her hands. She’d hurt him, and that made her feel terrible. She knew how he felt about her, even though he’d never said anything, but she could see the disappointment in his eyes every time she refused to give up her research. She hadn’t wanted him to go, but she knew she needed to give him space. She wasn’t being fair to him. The truth was she cared for him, far more than she wanted to admit, and she suspected he knew. Hell, the whole crew probably knew. She hadn’t been as discreet as she had tried to be, flirting with him and forgetting there were other people there. Sometimes she’d be talking to him and forget about the world around them. All she could see was him. All she wanted to see was him. She could tell he felt the same way. And now that he was, quite literally, the only person she could see, she was rejecting him. This saddened her, but she couldn’t let that distract her from her research. She owed it to her crew and to herself to find a cure soon, even if it meant giving up a life here with him. She sighed, then picked up a PADD to continue her work.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chakotay walked through the woods with his fists balled up at his sides. He felt so frustrated with himself for continuing to get his hopes up with Kathryn. She clearly didn’t want to pursue things with him, and he needed to accept that. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, with them living in close proximity and spending all that time together. And it certainly wouldn’t be easy if he saw her half-naked in a towel again. He grimaced and made a mental note not to stare at her like that again. He wanted her to feel comfortable with him, and she wasn’t going to feel that way if he gawked at her every time she got out of the bathtub. He needed to get a hold of himself and accept that they were just going to be friends, no matter how much he wanted them to be more.

He stepped out of the woods and found himself near a large pond. He walked up to it and saw his reflection peering back up at him. He crouched down and touched water’s surface, sending little ripples across his image. It was pleasantly cool to the touch. He stood, taking in the breathtaking scenery and the way the moon reflected on the pond surface. He began to strip his clothes off until he stood naked at the pond’s edge. He slowly walked in, feeling the cool water enveloping him. When the water was to his waist he held his breath and submerged himself fully. The cool water felt incredibly calming. He surfaced, water dripping from his dark hair, then dove back in. He made his way to the center of the pond, where there was a large rock. He swam to it and pulled himself up. He sat on its edge and pondered how he would handle his feelings going forward. Eventually, he would accept that she didn’t want to be with him. He wasn’t quite there yet, so he needed space to process his feelings alone. This pond seemed like a good place to do it. He could work through his feelings alone here. He could be honest with himself and not have to censor his thoughts or push them away. Now seemed as good a time as any, so he sat back and began to let feelings surface without beating them back. His mind wandered back to earlier that evening, when he’d seen Kathryn get out of the bathtub. He felt embarrassed and guilty, then gave himself permission to fantasize about her to get it out of his system. He laid back and imagined what it would have been like if Kathryn had seen him gazing at her, turned toward him, and slowly let the towel fall. His body responded to these thoughts and he began to stroke himself. He imagined stepping to her and kissing her. He imagined her taking his shirt off and their bare skin touching. He imagined running his hands over her breasts and her nipples hardening. He imagined taking her nipples in his mouth and her shuddering as he sucked at them. He imagined pulling her closer and feeling her tongue in his mouth. His erection grew harder and he ran his hand over the length of it. He imagined her unbuttoning his pants and slowly sliding her hand under them. He imagined her grasping him and stroking him slowly. He stroked himself harder, and imagined it was her hands touching him instead of his own. He imagined her removing his pants, then getting on her knees and taking him in her mouth. His breath became heavy and he jerked harder. He imagined the two of them getting into the tub, getting on top of her, kissing her deeply, and then slowly entering into her. He imagined thrusting into her and hearing her moan. He was hard as a rock now and felt he was about to burst. He imagined pumping harder and harder until she came and cried out in ecstasy. The thought undid him and he climaxed, shooting warm shots of semen across his stomach. He whispered her name as his orgasm subsided, then laid back against the rock, totally spent. He sat quietly, catching his breath, then lowered himself into the water to rinse off. He felt better after letting that steam off, and decided it was time to return. He swam back to shore and put on his clothes, then made his way back home.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
When he arrived he opened the door and saw Kathryn asleep at the table. He felt his heart swell and swore to himself that he’d be a better friend to her. He walked up to her and gently touched her arm.

“Kathryn,” he said softly, “wake up.”

Kathryn stirred and opened her eyes sleepily.

“Oh,” she said groggily, “I must have fallen asleep. I should get back to work.”

“Sorry, Kathryn,” he said, taking the PADD away from her, “It’s time to go to bed.”

She yawned. “I suppose you’re right,” she relented. She rose and leaned on him as they walked toward her bed. 

“Your shirt is damp,” she observed, “did it rain?”

“Yes,” he lied, “here you are.”

He pulled the blanket back with one hand and she laid down under it. He pulled the blanket up to her chin and smiled at her.

“Get some rest, Kathryn. You can’t do your research if you’re exhausted.”

She looked at him with surprise. “Thank you, Chakotay.”

“You’re welcome. Rest well,” he said gently, then turned to walk away.

“Chakotay,” Kathryn said, and he turned back to her. 

“Yes Kathryn?”

“I’m sorry.”

He regarded her with confusion. “What are you sorry for?”

“For not wanting the same thing you want.”

She didn’t elaborate further. She didn’t have to. He stood still, letting her words sink in, then smiled sadly at her.

“It’s OK, Kathryn,” he responded softly, “I’ll be fine.”

She nodded sadly, knowing he was lying.

“Have a good night, Chakotay.”

“Goodnight, Kathryn.”

Chakotay turned out the lights and turned in for the night. When he fell asleep, he dreamed only of her.


End file.
